So here I sit.
Hot tears streaming down my face.
My throat raw with the need to scream.
Muscles quivering with unspent anger.
I feel like a caged beast too long tormented.
I want to bleed.
I want to show the pain I carry.
The phone rings, buzzing insistently.
The first shriek tears itself loose from the handset.
My breath catches, my heart jumps into overdrive.
I try to unscramble the jumble of anger laden words.
She is having trouble with them again.
I hear their childish wails in the background,
Strident and pained, upset and hurt.
She is screaming again, the words lost in the emotional battering I feel.
What should she do? She demands I tell her.
I back down, no yelling, maybe I can diffuse this,
What did I do? I tell her what I do.
She shrills again that I don't understand...
Nothing I am saying is being heard,
Nothing I do is getting noticed.
I hang up. It rings again...
Dare I pick it up? Ask for an apology?
Done. And Done. Silence. Nothing...
I guess I'm not worth apologizing to, in her mind.
I hang up.
That damn phone will kill me soon.
I answer again (why can't I leave it ring?)
Tears start anew, the hot painful burning in my throat,
I need to rage, I feel the beast begging to be let free.
I dare not free the monster. But she pushes, accusing now,
Saying hurtful things,
That I don't care.
That I don't love her.
That I'm not ever there for them...