Suicidal, Again

So here I sit.  

Hot tears streaming down my face.  

My throat raw with the need to scream.

Muscles quivering with unspent anger.

I feel like a caged beast too long tormented.  

I want to bleed.  

I want to show the pain I carry.

The phone rings, buzzing insistently.  

The first shriek tears itself loose from the handset.  

My breath catches, my heart jumps into overdrive.  

I try to unscramble the jumble of anger laden words.

She is having trouble with them again.

I hear their childish wails in the background, 

Strident and pained, upset and hurt.

She is screaming again, the words lost in the emotional battering I feel.

What should she do?  She demands I tell her.

I back down, no yelling, maybe I can diffuse this, 

this time...

What did I do?  I tell her what I do.

She shrills again that I don't understand...

Nothing I am saying is being heard,

Nothing I do is getting noticed.

I hang up.  It rings again...

Dare I pick it up?  Ask for an apology?

Done.  And Done.    Silence.  Nothing...

I guess I'm not worth apologizing to, in her mind.

I hang up.

A moment.

That damn phone will kill me soon.

I answer again (why can't I leave it ring?)

Tears start anew, the hot painful burning in my throat,

I need to rage, I feel the beast begging to be let free.

I dare not free the monster.  But she pushes, accusing now,

Saying hurtful things,

That I don't care.

That I don't love her.

That I'm not ever there for them...

Tears...

More tears...

Goodbye world...