The Void

Welcome back to the Void.

I Arose today, to see the smiling face of my little boy, we played in the blanket for a few minutes.
That was the last time I smiled.
Since then it's been miserable.
I can't eat, I gag on most everything, including water.
I am hoping that a day of work (probably the only one this week that won't be shattered all to hell with her phone calls) might help me.
I feel (metaphorically) like my balls have been cut off and then lightly prepared in some sauce and batter, only to be sneered at by some snobby rich girl.
I feel completely emasculated, I don't feel like a man anymore.  I feel like a kitchen appliance, and that is not good for my soul.
I feel sad.  I want to cry, but I can't cry.
I feel sick but cannot afford to be sick.
I feel tired, but cannot take the time to sleep.
I feel alone but there is nobody close enough to me to care that I feel thus.

I just finished reading a book, "the five languages of love: Men's edition"
guess what I got from it.  I am going to have to buck up and do all the work, if I want anything to change, I am likely to spend hours and years just giving and giving for her benefit, but the chance of her reciprocating is slim, if it exists at all.
I just want to quit now.
I am tired.
This is the third time I have gone around this circle.  I give, they take.  It's not good enough, they demand more.  I give more, I run out of anything to give.  I have nothing left, nobody cares anymore.  I am at rock bottom again.
Suicide starts to look like a good idea again.
Can anybody see why I am starting to get frustrated here, why I am ready to give up?

I guess I'll try to get something done here, have to justify getting paid, especially since I spent most of last week off sick.

God I hate my life.

Andre.